Tumbling

As I wrote my last post I could feel God speaking to me. It was an uncomfortable conversation. He has made it clear that we are not done fighting for Brad's job. A few days later he received an email that they would be reviewing another one of his calls. After the review they again sent him home on paid leave so that his calls would not be affected by his emotions. It is all a lot to handle. He has always been a reliable employee, and he loves his job. We definitely feel like whatever is happening is beyond our control. I am confident that when Brad is at work he is not screwing around and making mistakes. Especially lately, the things that they are questioning him on are minute compared to what you would expect someone to be disciplined for. So we are left to rely on that fact that God is in control. Gosh that is not easy.
Also this week we have received the news that Brad's Grandma, who is suffering from breast cancer that has spread to her stomach, only has 4 to 6 months left with us. What a blow! Another friend delivered a baby on Tuesday that is suffering from seizures and unable to come home from the hospital. The last few days I have felt my self slipping into a depression. My anxiety is heightened and I am fighting to stay above the darkness as I question what the next days, weeks and months will look like. The unknown always proves a dangerous opponent for me and my weakness, somehow it allows holes in my armor and starts chipping away at my sanity quicker than almost anything else.
Yesterday as a swift upper cut to my plague I decided to take the girls to the beach. Let me just tell you that I am the last person to go out an enjoy the sunshine even when I am at my best. Somehow the outside never appeals to me and the thought of it nearly repulses me when I am feeling down. So I made this slick maneuver to try and get a one up on what I feel coming.
Last year, with my help, the girls discovered the wonders of hunting the rocky beaches for sea glass. So now it is one of our favorite activities together. So we spent about an our in the sun walking Redondo looking for our little "treasures". We even rate the rarity of the glass by color and the excitement flows when a green or blue piece is found. One of my other favorite things to collect with the glass is little pieces of shell that have also been tumbled in the ocean. They are usually pretty small when they are smooth enough to catch my eye and they are also PURE white. As I sat looking for these morsels I couldn't help but relate them to scripture. We are created with ridges that are so deep in us, some of them cut right to the soul making us vulnerable to attack. But if we turn our hearts to Jesus over time as we are tumbled about in our journey those rough ridges are smoothed into one smooth surface. A protected, strong and confident surface. Unlike before the shell is unable to be breached by a savage looking to take root there. My favorite part about these little shells is that no matter what color they started as they are tumbled and molded by the waves in the ocean they are soon pure white. Just like us. As we are molded by the challenges and triumphs of a life lived for Christ we are transformed by his blood and when he looks at us he sees the blinding whiteness of purity.
I am so grateful for a God that sees me, not what I have done. He created us all with that pureness and he leads us on a path that allows us to be molded and tumbled so that we can shed our hard exteriors.
I know that the struggles I am facing today are just part of the tumbling process and there is purpose in every turn. It is hard to remember that in the face of the unknown. It is difficult to let go and allow myself to be molded when I don't know how big or hard the waves will be along the way.
Psalm 23 is on my mind as I set my mind on God's plans.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside still waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and staff,
they comfort me.

Amen