"Retreating"

I love being able to write my feelings down. It gives me peace and it helps sort out all the madness in my head. For the last couple of weeks I have struggled with what I would write if I could, a maddening place to be. Brad finally parted ways with his employer. I am not at liberty to discuss the terms due to a legal contract. Those of you who can read between the lines will probably understand that this was an emotional relief as well as a disaster. Over the last 9 and a half years there have been many times where I have felt shaken by our financial situation but this has completely ripped the carpet from beneath us. There are just so many questions and only one answer to all of them. Keep believing in the promises that God has made! He has promised us that He will not give us more than we can handle, that He has a plan for our lives and that with Him all things are possible. My God is amazing and I am so thankful that He is for me.
As the events have unfolded over the last few weeks I have found myself retreating in to the darkness. This darkness is SO good at wooing me and sometimes I do not have the strength to fight its tempting lure. I cave in to the desires of sleeping and shutting out the world, or becoming so anxious that I can’t think straight. I am trying harder than I ever have to keep it at bay and remember that I don’t have to answer to it. But I find that in this new season of life it presents itself in a different way. Before, my depression was a deep cutting pain that would knock me down quickly leaving no time to overcome it. As I have grown and learned more about myself and my tendency towards depression it seems like that deep cut has scar tissue over it. The pain I feel now is a dull, long lasting ache. While it hasn’t taken me quickly like in the past it is working at breaking open that healed wound to the abscess that once was. Each recovery from this darkness has made the scar tissue more dense and tolerable to the force at hand, yet I find it exhausting now that I do have the ability to fight it off. I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes I think it’s easier to be defeated in the first battle than to have to participate in a lengthy war.
It, like every area in my life right now, leaves me questioning, how, what, when and where? When will I feel secure again? When can I let my guard down and feel at peace? Where should we go? What should we do? I am so tired of questions! I am feeling the lack of concrete in my life! Sometimes I wish I was the keeper of a magic looking glass that could tell me what is on the horizon. Although I don’t feel up to the challenge of the battle that I know is ahead. I pray that I can keep my eyes on what is Holy and Unchanging and that I will not fall in to the trap of looking down for answers. I can’t imagine what this would be like without our faith and our friends who share it and support us.