As I wrote my last post I could feel God speaking to me. It was an uncomfortable conversation. He has made it clear that we are not done fighting for Brad's job. A few days later he received an email that they would be reviewing another one of his calls. After the review they again sent him home on paid leave so that his calls would not be affected by his emotions. It is all a lot to handle. He has always been a reliable employee, and he loves his job. We definitely feel like whatever is happening is beyond our control. I am confident that when Brad is at work he is not screwing around and making mistakes. Especially lately, the things that they are questioning him on are minute compared to what you would expect someone to be disciplined for. So we are left to rely on that fact that God is in control. Gosh that is not easy.
Also this week we have received the news that Brad's Grandma, who is suffering from breast cancer that has spread to her stomach, only has 4 to 6 months left with us. What a blow! Another friend delivered a baby on Tuesday that is suffering from seizures and unable to come home from the hospital. The last few days I have felt my self slipping into a depression. My anxiety is heightened and I am fighting to stay above the darkness as I question what the next days, weeks and months will look like. The unknown always proves a dangerous opponent for me and my weakness, somehow it allows holes in my armor and starts chipping away at my sanity quicker than almost anything else.
Yesterday as a swift upper cut to my plague I decided to take the girls to the beach. Let me just tell you that I am the last person to go out an enjoy the sunshine even when I am at my best. Somehow the outside never appeals to me and the thought of it nearly repulses me when I am feeling down. So I made this slick maneuver to try and get a one up on what I feel coming.
Last year, with my help, the girls discovered the wonders of hunting the rocky beaches for sea glass. So now it is one of our favorite activities together. So we spent about an our in the sun walking Redondo looking for our little "treasures". We even rate the rarity of the glass by color and the excitement flows when a green or blue piece is found. One of my other favorite things to collect with the glass is little pieces of shell that have also been tumbled in the ocean. They are usually pretty small when they are smooth enough to catch my eye and they are also PURE white. As I sat looking for these morsels I couldn't help but relate them to scripture. We are created with ridges that are so deep in us, some of them cut right to the soul making us vulnerable to attack. But if we turn our hearts to Jesus over time as we are tumbled about in our journey those rough ridges are smoothed into one smooth surface. A protected, strong and confident surface. Unlike before the shell is unable to be breached by a savage looking to take root there. My favorite part about these little shells is that no matter what color they started as they are tumbled and molded by the waves in the ocean they are soon pure white. Just like us. As we are molded by the challenges and triumphs of a life lived for Christ we are transformed by his blood and when he looks at us he sees the blinding whiteness of purity.
I am so grateful for a God that sees me, not what I have done. He created us all with that pureness and he leads us on a path that allows us to be molded and tumbled so that we can shed our hard exteriors.
I know that the struggles I am facing today are just part of the tumbling process and there is purpose in every turn. It is hard to remember that in the face of the unknown. It is difficult to let go and allow myself to be molded when I don't know how big or hard the waves will be along the way.
Psalm 23 is on my mind as I set my mind on God's plans.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside still waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and staff,
they comfort me.
Amen
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One Day At A Time
Today as I drove home from work I was talking to Brad and after we said I love you he said, Pray for me. I said why? He said pray that I can do the best job I can do and that I can keep my job for another day.
Seems slightly dramatic if you don't know us. But for the last year Brad has struggled with some disciplinary actions taken against him. He is a 911 call receiver, a job that demands precision and perfection. There is very little room for error. The worst part is that Brad loves his job!
A year ago when I was laid off from my job, I was devastated. I loved the job and had a couple really great friends there. On top of that I knew that we would not be able to survive with out my income. I remember walking out to the car where Brad was waiting for me. I was carrying a box full of my things and tears were streaming from my eyes. Just days before this I had told him that I was nervous that this could happen. He had assured me, this was the place God had so obviously placed me at when we knew that we needed a second income. We felt secure that this was it, the answer to our prayers. But, alas the minute he saw me come out the front doors he knew he had been wrong.
We were wrong about more than just the job. When God answers prayers it isn't always forever. I never dreamed of what God would do with that job I had prayed so hard for. I never prayed for what was to come. But God knew the desires of my heart and one day at a time he worked a miracle for me. I was so lost those first few weeks. The first night I was a wreck, I stayed with my mother in law and sought comfort in a bottle of white zinfadel (uck). It didn't get much better than that for a while. Then the threads of a beautiful tapestry became visible right in front of our eyes. I remember sitting on our living room floor looking at a community college brochure and asking Brad if I could go back to school to become a Medical Assistant (something that had long ago struck my fancy) he looked at me like I was crazy and said "really Katie, you don't have a job how would that even be possible." But the urge to actually try and do something that really interested me grew and grew. With the downturn in the economy there was nearly no responses to my thousands of resume postings. But what did I see every day on those websites, jobs for MA's, RN's and the like. I finally got the courage to call a counselor from Pima Medical Institute and set up a meeting to find out about the cost and the time line. When I came home and gave Brad the details he said YES. God had done a work on his heart, he didn't even question what I was about to do. God cleared our schedule, provided income and financing to be able to accomplish this amazing dream. Day by day I have realized that when I was hired at my last job, God had so much more in mind for me. I love working in a clinic where I get to see patients who need a smile and a friendly face. Some of them are homeless or worse and when we accept them into our rooms and offer them help for their ailments they are so appreciative.
I am by far more appreciative for the lesson God has taught me about living one day at a time. Who knows what else he has in store for me and our family.
That is where Brad comes in to this little story. Four days a week he goes to work knowing quite possibly this could be his last. This is not easy and there have been days we have cried and wanted to fight for what we want him to have at this job but we know that is not for us to decide. We have absolutely no idea what we would do or how we would make it. But we know that our Lord's plans are more important than our comfort. So Brad has taught me even more about taking it one day at a time! He sets his pride aside walks in and does the best he can. Our prayer is of course that his best is good enough but our FAITH is in the fact that HIS best is always GOOD ENOUGH!
Seems slightly dramatic if you don't know us. But for the last year Brad has struggled with some disciplinary actions taken against him. He is a 911 call receiver, a job that demands precision and perfection. There is very little room for error. The worst part is that Brad loves his job!
A year ago when I was laid off from my job, I was devastated. I loved the job and had a couple really great friends there. On top of that I knew that we would not be able to survive with out my income. I remember walking out to the car where Brad was waiting for me. I was carrying a box full of my things and tears were streaming from my eyes. Just days before this I had told him that I was nervous that this could happen. He had assured me, this was the place God had so obviously placed me at when we knew that we needed a second income. We felt secure that this was it, the answer to our prayers. But, alas the minute he saw me come out the front doors he knew he had been wrong.
We were wrong about more than just the job. When God answers prayers it isn't always forever. I never dreamed of what God would do with that job I had prayed so hard for. I never prayed for what was to come. But God knew the desires of my heart and one day at a time he worked a miracle for me. I was so lost those first few weeks. The first night I was a wreck, I stayed with my mother in law and sought comfort in a bottle of white zinfadel (uck). It didn't get much better than that for a while. Then the threads of a beautiful tapestry became visible right in front of our eyes. I remember sitting on our living room floor looking at a community college brochure and asking Brad if I could go back to school to become a Medical Assistant (something that had long ago struck my fancy) he looked at me like I was crazy and said "really Katie, you don't have a job how would that even be possible." But the urge to actually try and do something that really interested me grew and grew. With the downturn in the economy there was nearly no responses to my thousands of resume postings. But what did I see every day on those websites, jobs for MA's, RN's and the like. I finally got the courage to call a counselor from Pima Medical Institute and set up a meeting to find out about the cost and the time line. When I came home and gave Brad the details he said YES. God had done a work on his heart, he didn't even question what I was about to do. God cleared our schedule, provided income and financing to be able to accomplish this amazing dream. Day by day I have realized that when I was hired at my last job, God had so much more in mind for me. I love working in a clinic where I get to see patients who need a smile and a friendly face. Some of them are homeless or worse and when we accept them into our rooms and offer them help for their ailments they are so appreciative.
I am by far more appreciative for the lesson God has taught me about living one day at a time. Who knows what else he has in store for me and our family.
That is where Brad comes in to this little story. Four days a week he goes to work knowing quite possibly this could be his last. This is not easy and there have been days we have cried and wanted to fight for what we want him to have at this job but we know that is not for us to decide. We have absolutely no idea what we would do or how we would make it. But we know that our Lord's plans are more important than our comfort. So Brad has taught me even more about taking it one day at a time! He sets his pride aside walks in and does the best he can. Our prayer is of course that his best is good enough but our FAITH is in the fact that HIS best is always GOOD ENOUGH!
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Beginning
Tonight, like most, I am alone! Well unless... you count the 3 girls, dog, cat and bird. I guess I just feel alone, or maybe just "lonely". I am also full of introspective thoughts and emotions on varying ends of the spectrum.
For me life is not easy. There are no great mountains standing in the way of my dreams, no massive floods washing away my hopes or earthquakes to crack my faith. Especially in light of the true and real obstacles I see in the people around me. I feel like life should be easy for me, even full of joy! Yet I am still feeling like its time to give up or give in to the darkness I feel.
Life is not easy for me and I am lonely but the company I desire is simply Jesus. My yearning for Him has quantified immeasurably in the last year. I feel Him pressing in on me and I can't seem to get enough. Still I find myself fighting off the same demons I have encountered the majority of my life.
This is why I feel life lacks ease for me. My demons are faceless and have no purpose but to drag me from the light I seek. They are cursed and angered victims of the very things they afflict me with. Though faceless, they have strong names, DEPRESSION; ANXIETY; LACK OF SELF WORTH; BITTERNESS; ANGER; FAILURE.
They lurk in the darkness and take hold whenever I let my guard down. The slightest touch from them can send me into a full fledged fit - many can attest to that. They are powerful BUT they are defeated - Praise Jesus!!!
They can only take what I give and they scramble to find my weak spots which are becoming stronger as I recognize them.
For YEARS I prayed that God would take this affliction away. That one day I would wake up with a smile on my face ready to face the day with a gladness I have yet to feel. I didn't want to work to feel joyful (still not to thrilled with the idea :)) I just wanted what I saw in others, their confidence, their grace for others, their beauty that they carry like a weightless badge on their chest. It seemed to me that it would be so easy for God to reach down and touch me and make all my angst disappear. He made the lame walk and the blind to see! How many times have I been led to the place in scripture where God's beloved disciple Paul writes of his own thorn?
Why me, I have cried. I am not like Paul. I don't want to overcome and press forward when I am in pain. I don't have strength to hold on to YOU when I am crumbling inside.
Alas, today I find peace, tomorrow is another day. But right now, after years of running from my demons and at my worst succumbing to their vicious attacks - some of you again can attest !! Just now I am beginning to see the alternative to MY plan. I see what would please God more, and what would bring glory to His name.
As I got ready to start writing tonight I picked up a book and it opened to this quote. "Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely itself." = Denna Metzger
Right now that is just what I want to be (not just NOW, all my life I have longed to feel Beautiful :) I want to be the "self" that God created me to be. I want to live out his plans for my life even in if it means for me "life is not easy"
For me life is not easy. There are no great mountains standing in the way of my dreams, no massive floods washing away my hopes or earthquakes to crack my faith. Especially in light of the true and real obstacles I see in the people around me. I feel like life should be easy for me, even full of joy! Yet I am still feeling like its time to give up or give in to the darkness I feel.
Life is not easy for me and I am lonely but the company I desire is simply Jesus. My yearning for Him has quantified immeasurably in the last year. I feel Him pressing in on me and I can't seem to get enough. Still I find myself fighting off the same demons I have encountered the majority of my life.
This is why I feel life lacks ease for me. My demons are faceless and have no purpose but to drag me from the light I seek. They are cursed and angered victims of the very things they afflict me with. Though faceless, they have strong names, DEPRESSION; ANXIETY; LACK OF SELF WORTH; BITTERNESS; ANGER; FAILURE.
They lurk in the darkness and take hold whenever I let my guard down. The slightest touch from them can send me into a full fledged fit - many can attest to that. They are powerful BUT they are defeated - Praise Jesus!!!
They can only take what I give and they scramble to find my weak spots which are becoming stronger as I recognize them.
For YEARS I prayed that God would take this affliction away. That one day I would wake up with a smile on my face ready to face the day with a gladness I have yet to feel. I didn't want to work to feel joyful (still not to thrilled with the idea :)) I just wanted what I saw in others, their confidence, their grace for others, their beauty that they carry like a weightless badge on their chest. It seemed to me that it would be so easy for God to reach down and touch me and make all my angst disappear. He made the lame walk and the blind to see! How many times have I been led to the place in scripture where God's beloved disciple Paul writes of his own thorn?
Why me, I have cried. I am not like Paul. I don't want to overcome and press forward when I am in pain. I don't have strength to hold on to YOU when I am crumbling inside.
Alas, today I find peace, tomorrow is another day. But right now, after years of running from my demons and at my worst succumbing to their vicious attacks - some of you again can attest !! Just now I am beginning to see the alternative to MY plan. I see what would please God more, and what would bring glory to His name.
As I got ready to start writing tonight I picked up a book and it opened to this quote. "Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely itself." = Denna Metzger
Right now that is just what I want to be (not just NOW, all my life I have longed to feel Beautiful :) I want to be the "self" that God created me to be. I want to live out his plans for my life even in if it means for me "life is not easy"
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