The Beginning

Tonight, like most, I am alone! Well unless... you count the 3 girls, dog, cat and bird. I guess I just feel alone, or maybe just "lonely". I am also full of introspective thoughts and emotions on varying ends of the spectrum.
For me life is not easy. There are no great mountains standing in the way of my dreams, no massive floods washing away my hopes or earthquakes to crack my faith. Especially in light of the true and real obstacles I see in the people around me. I feel like life should be easy for me, even full of joy! Yet I am still feeling like its time to give up or give in to the darkness I feel.
Life is not easy for me and I am lonely but the company I desire is simply Jesus. My yearning for Him has quantified immeasurably in the last year. I feel Him pressing in on me and I can't seem to get enough. Still I find myself fighting off the same demons I have encountered the majority of my life.
This is why I feel life lacks ease for me. My demons are faceless and have no purpose but to drag me from the light I seek. They are cursed and angered victims of the very things they afflict me with. Though faceless, they have strong names, DEPRESSION; ANXIETY; LACK OF SELF WORTH; BITTERNESS; ANGER; FAILURE.
They lurk in the darkness and take hold whenever I let my guard down. The slightest touch from them can send me into a full fledged fit - many can attest to that. They are powerful BUT they are defeated - Praise Jesus!!!
They can only take what I give and they scramble to find my weak spots which are becoming stronger as I recognize them.
For YEARS I prayed that God would take this affliction away. That one day I would wake up with a smile on my face ready to face the day with a gladness I have yet to feel. I didn't want to work to feel joyful (still not to thrilled with the idea :)) I just wanted what I saw in others, their confidence, their grace for others, their beauty that they carry like a weightless badge on their chest. It seemed to me that it would be so easy for God to reach down and touch me and make all my angst disappear. He made the lame walk and the blind to see! How many times have I been led to the place in scripture where God's beloved disciple Paul writes of his own thorn?
Why me, I have cried. I am not like Paul. I don't want to overcome and press forward when I am in pain. I don't have strength to hold on to YOU when I am crumbling inside.
Alas, today I find peace, tomorrow is another day. But right now, after years of running from my demons and at my worst succumbing to their vicious attacks - some of you again can attest !! Just now I am beginning to see the alternative to MY plan. I see what would please God more, and what would bring glory to His name.

As I got ready to start writing tonight I picked up a book and it opened to this quote. "Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely itself." = Denna Metzger

Right now that is just what I want to be (not just NOW, all my life I have longed to feel Beautiful :) I want to be the "self" that God created me to be. I want to live out his plans for my life even in if it means for me "life is not easy"